Closing 2015 and thinking about 2016 today and everything came crashing in. Every emotion in me poured out today.
I woke up feeling my normal joint and muscle pain. It feels like what most of you have when you get the flu. I wake up like this every day. Mornings have always been very difficult for me because of my Rheumatoid Arthritis. To prevent my breast cancer from reoccurring, I have to take a hormone blocker for the next 10 years. The brand name of this drug is Femara. I call it the little “effer” because it causes joint pain, muscle fatigue, hot flashes, night sweats and mood swings. So RA plus breast cancer have wreaked havoc on my mornings. Yesterday was an “effer” of a day. All I could think about was “Good bye 20 effing 15!”
Realizing this was NOT a good way to start my day, I started to plan my way out of this mood. Knowing that exercise is key to my mind, body and healing, I decided that I needed my normal walk around Red Mountain but it sounded boring. I am stubborn at times, clearly. Hmmm…the overachiever in me decided that I needed to go to the bank so I put on my tennies and walked to the bank. It was 2.7 miles to get there. I usually listen to a book or music. This time I cranked up the music and with fierce determination walked my body up Recker Road.
Many times the words of songs bring thoughts in, mostly positive, but I began thinking about 2015. Did my message that I needed to make get to who needed it? What will 2016 be like? Will I even make it through 2016? Do I have all of my ducks in a row? No, I definitely do NOT have my ducks in a row. Ugh… 2.7 miles back up Recker Road I go. All I could hear is my joking husband saying, “Reck-er, damn near killed her!” My skinny little legs made the whole 5.4 miles.
Later that day I asked Glenn the question, “If you knew you only had one more year with me what would you do different?”
He said, “I would like to travel with you more.” In my mind “travel” is to Australia so I immediately started thinking about Kaylee, our daughter who is married to Scott, and their children Zoey and Milly our granddaughters, that live in Australia. All kinds of emotions come up. I miss them so much it hurts. Negative thoughts like, “Maybe it would be better for the Lord to take me sooner than later while Zoey & Milly are young so they wouldn’t be as heartbroken as they would when they are older.”
It was clearly, a BAD day for me.
I spent the evening in a hot yoga class with Glenn. My intention for this class was “to have peace in my heart” Tears flowed along with the sweat. In my meditation/prayer I was reminded that life on earth is temporary and I remembered that I want to make each day count.
Cancer is scary stuff because it causes you to think about death. I’ve witnessed many people pass from here. Some from cancer, other terminal illnesses, and sudden deaths like drownings, heart attack, stroke and accidents.
For 20 plus years I’ve always said, If I could choose what takes my life from here, I would choose cancer because I get to do the things that I want to do and say the things that I want to say to those I love. Even better than this, those who love me get to say what they want to say to me. Sudden deaths don’t offer this. In 2015, I got to hear lots of words from those who love me. Some, had I not had cancer, I may have never heard.
My day ended in the arms of my loving husband, Glenn. Words cannot express my gratitude. I found the peace in my heart that I know full well. I told myself, “It’s ok to have bad days, be afraid, and feel lonely” because It causes me to look around and see all that I have been given. Miracles happened for me in 2015 and I see light at the end of this tunnel. Many people loved me through it. Thank you and I love you!
2016-Bring it on!